Love or Lust? Ten Things To Do on a Saturday Night

Guidelines to help you clearly and effectively convey your true intentions.
Figuring out what to do on a Saturday night is the easy bit. The hard part is avoiding misunderstandings about what it is you’re really after. Whether it’s everlasting love or burning lust, you’ll want to tailor your plans accordingly. The following guidelines should help you clearly and effectively convey your true intentions.
Asking Her Out
If It’s Love Call at least four days in advance, requesting the pleasure of her company.
If It’s Lust Call her at least 20 minutes in advance, and ask, “Can I come over?”
Dressing For The Evening
If It’s Love Maximize class factor. Channel Audrey Hepburn.
If It’s Lust Maximize jiggle factor. Channel Pamela Anderson.
Eating In
If It’s Love Cook most the meal yourself, but invite your partner to join you for the finishing touches, to give a sense of partnership. This meal should convey the idea that loving domesticity can be a feast for the senses. Choose a homey yet delicious menu, such as roast chicken or rack of lamb. Drizzle truffle oil over mashed potatoes, transforming this ordinary dish into a veritable bowl of luxuriousness.
If It’s Lust Prepare appetizers before your guest arrives: finger food, nothing fancy. Keep the lighting low. The idea is that she may nibble, but YOU are the main course.
Eating Out
If It’s Love Choose a restaurant based on romantic potential: soft lighting, somewhat quiet ambiance, a menu rooted in the Romance Languages: French, Spanish, Italian.
If It’s Lust Choose a restaurant where you can order over-rich foods – oysters, foie gras, chocolate mousse – that spoil quickly, implying that this is a one-time opportunity, and there’s no chance of a repeat performance.
When The Bill Arrives
If It’s Love Discreetly take it as soon as it arrives, and don’t allow her to see it. Decline her offer to split it with you. After all, her company is payment enough.
If It’s Lust Look at the bill. Then look at her. Say, “So. Are you coming over?”
Going To The Movies
If It’s Love Ask him if there’s anything he’d like to see. After all, how bad can Samurai Tomb Destroyer 4 really be?
If It’s Lust Choose something boring. Sit in the back row.
Renting A Video
If It’s Love Go for a popular drama, comedy, or foreign film.
If It’s Lust Reach for the box labeled, Terms of Endearment. But make sure you’ve switched the video inside with the adult title, Terms of Endowment. Once you’ve turned it on, feign surprise, then say, “Well, we might as well watch this one.”
Going To A Party
If It’s Love Tell her she’s the most beautiful woman in the room. Then take her up on the roof or into the garden to look at the stars. Kiss her on the lips.
If It’s Lust Tell her she’s the hottest babe in the room. Then take her into the bathroom. Kiss her everywhere but the lips.
Throwing Your Own Party
If It’s Love Proudly introduce him to everyone as “Michael, my boyfriend.” Don’t invite ex-boyfriends unless they’re truly good friends with no ulterior motives.
If It’s Lust Just say, “This is Michael.” Look uncomfortable. Make sure you invited as many of your exes as you could. If it doesn’t work out with Michael, maybe you’ll get lucky with one of them.
If It’s Love Surprise her with box seats at the opera. Offer to buy her the libretto.
If It’s Lust Surprise her with seats at a strip club. Offer to buy her a lap dance.